This episode consists solely of outtakes from our first season. Enjoy, and see you in season 2!
Episode 63 (Bonus): Shel We Hear Some Outtakes Again? – Shel We Read a Poem?
Lauren: We’re starting with—actually I don’t know if this poem has a title—I suppose it must. The longest nose in the world belongs to miss Betsy Blue Bonnet, who lets me write things on it. And it is a poem written by hand on a picture of a woman who was wearing a big ol’ bonnet and has an extremely long Pinocchio nose.
Russ: Can I give you some bad news?
Russ: We’ve done that one already,
Lauren: Fuck! Okay, nevermind. Cut that out. Cut that out. Because that’s actually not… I was actually just doing this one because I was going to do a different one, and I realized I needed to do all the nose ones. Okay, so just take all that out. Or put that in, you know, the outtakes or whatever. Okay.
Russ: Ah, Fat Tug.
Lauren: Really sounds like masturbating.
Russ: I mean, what’s a good comparison? I can’t even think of a good comparison. It’s like you can’t call a beer wanking, like that doesn’t work. But if it’s like…
Lauren: I bet there’s a beer out there called Wanking.
Russ: Here’s our new new imperial stout. It’s called Greasing the Pole. Wait. What are you going to call your new Flemish sour? We’re going to call it Little Man in the Boat.
Lauren: Laughs. Oh, god.
Russ: Wait. Wait.
Lauren: I’m sure there are beers out there with really dirty names
Russ: There better be.
Russ: Oh, yeah, we’ll fade out on that. Laughs.
Russ: Can you believe… Wait, look at that. We did… We’ve done over half an hour on that one stupid rambly cannibalism poem. That’s great.
Lauren: That is great. I wasn’t able to like determine whether… probably didn’t… like whether Shel Silverstein had ever read anything by Heinlein. Because it seems like he’d be into it. Like it’s a lot of fucking and a lot of… Russ laughs. I mean, it’s all about fucking everybody.
Russ: Literally and figuratively.
Russ: I want a photo. I want to see that guy, the one that was like, “Hey, everybody, my girlfriend’s a millionaire. And that makes me feel bad.” Well, I think I know what he looks like. It’s probably a lot like me.
Lauren: Well, he did have some vanity, though. He did say he used to look amazing. It was interesting, though, he talked about how… he was actually a fairly interesting person, because he was talking about the ways in which he helps out and a lot of them are very feminized ways of helping. And so he’s comfortable with that, but he’s not comfortable with the fact that his girlfriend supports him.
Russ: But to watch someone just throw away a winning lottery ticket.
Russ: “My millionaire girlfriend wants to support me.” Why is she not your millionaire wife?
Russ: Sort this out, now. He’s like, “I don’t believe in marriage.” Like, one, you’re a shitty philosopher and, two, like…
Lauren: You have it made.
Russ: You have a PhD in philosophy and you’re a shitty philosopher. Unless your philosophy is like self destruction or something.
Lauren: You know…
Russ: Majored in anarchy.
Lauren: I’m sure you can.
Russ: And then I went to… and then of course, I immediately sprang to reddit to find this thread and he deleted it.
Lauren: Aww, buddy.
Russ: Well, I mean, maybe it was an awakening. Maybe they just savaged him in the comments.
Lauren: Well, I mean, you don’t usually delete it, if you have an awakening.
Russ: The hummingbirds are back.
Lauren: They’re always there. The Anna’s… I call them the “humblers” is because they’re kind of clumsy like a humming bee and they’re always there. They’re just not very active in the winter.
Russ: The robins are back too. These are fat. Look at them. They’re so plump. Ooh, now there’s a lot of hummingbirds! What’s going on?
Lauren: And maybe there’s a hummingbird feeder that someone just refilled.
Russ: A hummingbird convention?
Or there’s a particularly tasty bush around.
Russ: Laughs. Oh, lord that’s the title of a porn
Lauren: Laughs. Particularly Tasty Bush.
Russ: Particularly. But it’s Japanese and that’s a direct translation. There is nothing better than, like, direct translations of Japanese porn, where it’s like “help my mother in law locked me in the basement and is using me as a sex slave and no one is hearing my cry.” That is specific as hell.
Lauren: Well, you know what you’re getting in for.
Russ: It’s like if you had your kink list: it’s like Yes, Yes, No. I need an attic not a basement.
Russ: Yeah, I missed the joke. I was gonna tell a joke this podcast and I fucking…
Lauren: What was the joke? Tell it now and we’ll pretend that and you can edit it however you want.
Russ: Well after weeks of doing nothing, the Ottawa Grand Wizard—I mean Chief of Police—resigned this week. That was the joke.
Russ: Now that there’s an interim chief of police, they just arrested everybody.
Lauren: I know. That’s pretty amazing.
Russ: They arrested 170 people today. Alright. Job done. It’s like, “Wow, that was hard.” If only somebody thought of that in the… I fucking love people. Why is everyone the stupidest person? It’s so much fun. I love this. Life is so just good. We’ve tried nothing and it didn’t work. They’re not brown. What are we gonna do?
Lauren: What did you ask… What were you asking for the list for? You asked me for the list. The convoy list?
Russ: Yeah, so I find that I work with a conspiracy theorist.
Lauren: Was he on the list?
Russ: It’s a she, but no, she wasn’t.
Lauren: I’ve been going through looking for law enforcement and government officials. I found a few. I found one ex cop, one government official, one maybe current cop. Not sure yet. I’m just looking for people in the Portland metropolitan area.
Russ: Then I searched all my co workers. No one’s on there. But man, they weren’t bashful about it. Were they? It’s like, God, guns and freedom. Fuck Trudeau!
Lauren: Right. Well, they didn’t know it was going to be public. I’m sure they wouldn’t have… Well, they wouldn’t have done much different except that they would have tried to make their names less apparent.
Russ: Freedomeagle.com. Man, that was initially I’m glad I didn’t go there. But initially, my thought process for this episode was to talk about like, now we just get to live with conspiracy theorists because, like, the conspiracy isn’t going away. And but I’m glad I didn’t go there.
Lauren: Yeah, we had an episode that was of little consequence.
Russ: And how like life: an episode of little consequence, and thereby is described the lifespan of every human being. Wow, glad we didn’t put that in the episode.
Lauren: Doesn’t seem that dark to me.
Russ: Did you hear it? So here’s a really good one. Did you hear about that priest that resigned because he’d been doing baptisms wrong? Did you hear about this?
Russ: Then did you hear the fallout? The Catholic church right now is like, trying to keep a lid on this. But after that happened 1000 other priests came forward and we’re like, yeah, we’ve been doing them exactly the same way.
Lauren: The answer is the pope needs to make it both ways.
Russ: There’s no one who’s Catholic anymore. Like I cannot wait. So good.
Lauren: I love that some people were like, “Oh, yes. The infallible God. omnipresent and omniscient, omnipotent god has exactly the same rules and wherewithal as the DMV.
Russ: I have realized that I need to hang out with smart people only, like everyone I hang out with is smarter than me already. But then occasionally, I hang out with a way smarter person than me. It’s like, holy shit, you’re like you’re on a different level. And like, just listening to them talk…
Lauren: I don’t know that many of them that are coherent.
Russ: Well, I mean, coherency… I’m not really coherent, but then from time to time you get around someone who just… usually at work, who doesn’t know anything. And it’s like, how the fuck… Where did you find shoes?
Lauren: It’s the pandemic. I’m not around people like that right now.
Russ: One coworker had a panic attack at work the other day, and they called the boss out of her office. I was in a meeting with her and they called her out and they’re like, something’s wrong with such and such. And I walked out. I was like, “That’s a panic attack.” And they’re like, “No, she’s having a heart attack. Call an ambulance.” All right. It’s Canada. So it’s free, you know. Who gives a shit. But I was like, “Here’s what you do. Tell her to focus on her breathing. Tell her it’s going to be okay. Tell her she’s not in any danger. It’s a panic attack.” They’re like, “Oh, no, something’s wrong. Something’s wrong.” Okay. Good. Here come the EMTs, “Did you take your anxiety medication today?”
Lauren: Oh, that again.
Russ: You’re fine. But, of course, if you’ve never had a panic attack, you know you’re dying. You’re definitely dying in that moment.
Lauren: Yeah, the first one I ever had, I was six years old.
Russ: You told me that.
Lauren: Yeah, my dad told me what it was. And then I was like, Oh, okay.
Russ: I still think I’m dying from time to time. It’s like: No. Time to go to sleep, take a nap.
Lauren: For me, it’s more often, I’m not sure if I’m having an asthma attack or a panic attack.
Russ: I never thought asthma, I always go to stroke.
Lauren: Well, I’m not sure if it’s asthma, or a panic attack. And then I try my inhaler. And if it gets better, it was asthma. If it gets worse, it was a panic attack.
Russ: I’m like going in front of the mirror, like smiling and making sure like my face is symmetrical and like holding up both arms and it’s like, Nope, you’re not having a stroke. You’re good.
Lauren: One thing that I found useful for panic attacks in college was nitrous oxide.
Lauren: Yeah, you take a hit of that.
Russ: Where do I get some?
Lauren: You? I mean you get some from whipped cream…
Russ: Some whippits?
Lauren: Yeah, you get some whippits. That’s what I was doing.
Russ: Oh, I gotta go the gay store and get some poppers. Yeah,
Lauren: Yeah. So what it does is it just kind of clubs you on the head and then you’re like, eh?
Russ: I’m totally going to do that. There’s a gay store there.
Lauren: Yeah, try it out. It might make it worse. But on the other hand, for me it kind of just hits a reset or it’s just like whatever cyclical thinking I’m having just kind of has to, like, deal with the oxygen starvation and try again.
Russ: What… are they… can you buy whippits now?
Lauren: You do know they use them in whipped cream… for making for like… you put them in whipped cream canisters.
Russ: Weren’t there laws where it’s like they had to be in a can or something?
Russ: Sweet. I’m going to go stock the fuck up.
Lauren: You just need like either a whipped cream canister or a cracker.
Russ: Man. I’m about to light my ass up.
Lauren: Well, give it a try. You might enjoy it. You might not
Russ: Oh, I’m gonna try.
Lauren: It might it might help you or it might not. It’s definitely not a long term solution. It’s more just for hitting like, have you tried turning it on and off?
Russ: Wouldn’t that be great? It’s like you’re sitting the middle of an office. “Sorry, guys.” Sucks in loudly.
Lauren: Gasps and laughs. You did that perfectly.
Russ: “We’re good.”
Lauren: Have you never done whippits before?
Russ: No, of course not.
Lauren: That’s what people look like when they do whippits. How did you know that’s what people look like when they do whippits?
Russ: I’ve never done them. I’ve seen people do them. I’ve never done them myself.
Lauren: For panic attacks it’s really just like: turn it back, turn it off and back on again.
Lauren: I’m on the fence all the time about, you know, violence and hurting people, but I’m not on the fence about helping people. It’s interesting though. When I was young, I used to be so pacifist and I definitely am not anymore, but also I don’t know… There are all these theoretical philosophical questions that I guess I would never know the answer to until I’m in it, but on the other hand, I am sort of in it, as we saw with the shooting, like, this could happen to us at any point of time. And also, I put myself in physical danger this summer when I went to the chud rally and I have been known to like…
Russ: Antagonize people?
Lauren: Antagonize people and get in their face knowing that they might… like I interrupted a fight well, not a fight, I interrupted a guy beating a homeless guy.
Lauren: He wasn’t really beating him, he was definitely hitting him and kicking him and I got… I went in and physically intervened. And there was a time when a guy was hurting a woman and I, like, also physically got between them and I was like: I clearly am willing to get hurt. So where are my boundaries?
Russ: You’re definitely a saboteur.
Russ: You would definitely be a saboteur.
Lauren: Yeah. That sees like it’s my sort of thing.
Russ: You’d be blowing shit up.
Lauren: I feel like I’m not really much of a fighter so much as I am very good at sneaking around and I’m also good at research and I’m good at sneaking around and probably not much of an offensive person. I’m probably more of a fuck shit up soft of person.
Russ: That’s the thing, if you play a battlefield game, what role do you take?
Lauren: Well, I don’t know about that. But I always thought about what kind of class my personality fits the most and I guess it’s probably either a wizard or rogue.
Russ: Yeah, I’m always a mage. Like distance cannons. That’s me.
Lauren: Yeah, I’m gonna do tend to be a distance person as well. What did I do recently that proved I was a distance person?
Russ: I cast fireball.
Lauren: Yeah, I would definitely either be a mage or a rogue.
Russ: Anyone can fix this.
Lauren: You have so much trust in elections.
Russ: When people start doing the right thing…
Lauren: Even in the US you’re like, “well, people voted for this.” I’m like, “there’s so much voter suppression.”
Russ: Look at the last election, the right thing happened. People did the right thing.
Lauren: That’s because they did so much work, it overwhelmed the voter suppression.
Russ: And there you go. And it has to be that from now on.
Lauren: That still isnot a fair election.
Russ: No. And when both sides are playing dirty, you just have to play dirtier.
Lauren: They weren’t playing dirty. Getting people to actually be able to vote isn’t playing dirty.
Russ: And here’s the thing…
Lauren: Here’s the thing. I don’t necessarily think that people shouldn’t play dirty. But that, you know, but getting people who can vote to actually vote is not playing dirty.
Russ: Look at that. Even in the 2020 presidential election, it was still only 66% turnout. So you have 33% of the country that didn’t do the right thing.
Lauren: Or there were so many obstacles to them voting they didn’t.
Russ: As I said…
Lauren: Look, okay, look at Oregon’s voting rate. That’s about the highest you can expect. Any vote by mail state will tell you what is the highest you can expect.
Russ: Oregon, 82% turnout.
Lauren: That’s about as high as you can expect.
Russ: Cool. That’s still 20%
Lauren: That’s true. Okay, so maybe 20% suck.
Russ: …are pieces of shit. And that’s the thing of it. All you have to do is the right thing.
Lauren: Right. When the right hand thing involves standing in line for hours? In shitty weather? Yeah, I like…
Russ: I’ve seen people stand in line for a fucking hockey game.
Lauren: Right. But…
Russ: You can stand in line to change the future of a country.
Lauren: Right, but hockey games are rewarding and voting, especially when you don’t think your candidate is going to win, is not great. All I have to do is sit at a table with a pen and some paper. Which is awesome.
Russ: I do love that you’re still the old… Like, you’ve changed a little bit as far as like militancy goes but you didn’t really change that much. But you’re still an idealist at heart.
Lauren: Hmm. I don’t know. I think I’m pretty realistic.
Russ: I think I’m pretty realistic. Laughs.
Lauren: Okay, look, I also think you’re pretty realistic. But you and I are also not that different in the way we think about the world, compared to other people.
Russ: I think you give people hope.
Lauren: If you were to map us on… if you were to put us on like a spectrum of beliefs, we’re a lot closer together than most people.
Russ: I definitely want you leading the political party though. Like I wouldn’t want to be the candidate
Lauren: Fuck no. Politics isn’t my thing.
Russ: 100%, I don’t know if it’s my thing or not, but when I have citizenship here, I’m running for a local office.
Lauren: That sounds great.
Russ: I don’t know what it’s going to be
Lauren: I don’t know if you can both vote in two different countries’ elections but maybe I’ll request an absentee ballot, if I can.
Russ: Yeah, but I mean that’s still three years away but I’ve seen the local representatives…
Lauren: You should do for school board.
Russ: I don’t really think about the educational system around here. You’re never going to defeat a local MP. Like these fucking incumbents around here, they’ve been MP for the last 75 years our local one, Hedy Fry, I think she is on 100.
Lauren: Hedy Fry?
Russ: Yeah, this like wisened little old woman, just like… I picture her moving around in like the pod that Grogu uses, you know.
Russ: I don’t know if you could hear that or not, but a guy with a really big penis just drove by outside and he made sure that his engine communicated his penis size to like, everyone, so I’ll have to cut that bit. But yeah, man, you should have heard it. It was a really big penis.
Lauren: Laughs. Good for him.
Lauren: One thing I didn’t bring up that I was considering but I didn’t really know how to make it, like would be to recommend another video and it is Kurzgesagt or whatever. It’s like the “in a nutshell” in German. But it is a YouTube and they have a thing about dropping things from tall buildings. And it’s very cute.
Russ: Yeah, the whole penny dropped off the Empire State Building wouldn’t do anything to you.
Lauren: No, it would.
Russ: No it wouldn’t. Wouldn’t do anything. The terminal velocity of a penny is about 20 miles an hour.
Lauren: Okay, well, yeah. Spit, probably since it has so much air resistance probably would not do very much. What if the penny was like, turned on its side so it didn’t have air resistance.
Russ: Let’s see.
Lauren: It would have to hold that position and I don’t know if it’s possible for it to do that.
Russ: Yeah, let’s see. Okay, so here’s the whole explanation. Throwing a penny off the Empire State Building wouldn’t kill anyone. A penny weighs about a gram and it tumbles as it falls. Because of the tumbling lightweight, there’s so much air resistance that a penny never gathers much speed, a gram of weight. The grain of truth embedded in this urban legend is the fact that falling objects, even ones that seem harmless can do a lot of damage, which is why you wear hard hats on construction sites. A bolt that weighs 50 grams could definitely kill you. If you could somehow stop it from tumbling, it would hurt a little.
Russ: It would be because the because the tumble will make it so that it never really gets above between 18 and 20 miles an hour. But if you could stop it from tumbling, and it fell perfectly vertically, it might hit 100 miles an hour, but that would only provide one foot per pound of energy and so it would be like being thumped in the head.
Lauren: Okay, well, there you go.