Episode 48: If I Had a Brontosaurus, Colors

Ankylosaurus is the best
Aggressive secularism
NFT scams
Romance scams
Colors of organs
Vestigial organs
Dating sims
Monster girls

Episode 48: If I Had a Brontosaurus, Colors Shel We Read a Poem?

BrontosaurusAnkylosaurus is the bestAggressive secularism NFT scamsRomance scamsCryptoRomColorsOrgansColors of organsVestigial organs Dating simsMonster girlsTranscript for this episode: https://laurenhudgins.com/2022/01/24/episode-48-if-i-had-a-brontosaurus-colors/shelwereadapoem@gmail.com@ShelWeRead


Intro music

British Voice: Shel We Read a Poem?

Russ: Hello all, and welcome to a Shel We Read a Poem. I’m Russ.

Lauren: Hey, I’m Lauren.

Russ: Oh, no, a curveball. There’s an extra syllable today.

Lauren: Yeah, sorry about that. It’s ground shattering like an earthquake. So how did the booster treat you, Russ?

Russ: Oh, the same as the dose number two, I was on my butt for a day and then after that day, I was fine again.

Lauren: Okay. That’s good. I just was like, mildly not great for three days.

Russ: Yeah, no, I got it on Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I had a sinus infection. And then Monday, it was like nothing ever happened.

Lauren: Okay. Okay, good. Not bad.

Russ: Now I am boosted and I don’t know, I guess ready to take a transatlantic cruise again. I don’t know.

Lauren: Still ill advised.

Russ: Even the bastion of nanny state that British Columbia is, even they’re starting to walk back that narrative.

Lauren: Well, probably a bad idea still.

Russ: At what point do you draw the line? Like we’re we’ve been in endemic now for, lord, half of this thing.

Lauren: Yeah. But cruises are, like, particularly special.

Russ: Oh, no, I don’t mean I’m taking a cruise. I just mean that, at some point, cruise ships will return to Vancouver and also it wouldn’t be a transatlantic cruise because I live in Vancouver, which is… Well, what’ll we be talking about today?

Lauren: So there are a few possibilities. And I was curious about what you were going to read because I saw a couple pairs that would go well together.

Russ: I am doing “If I Had a Brontosaurus.”

Lauren: Okay, nevermind. I don’t have a good pair for that one. So just go. Go for it.

Russ: So go well.

If I had a brontosaurus
I would name him Morris or Horace;
But if suddenly one day he had a lot of little brontosauri
I would change his name to Laurie.

And the illustration is a brontosaurus with lots of little brontosauri milling about its under bits.

Lauren: It’s cute. Why did you pick this one, Russ?

Russ: This is another tenuous connection. But recently I visited Toronto and went to the Royal Ontario Museum where they have lots and lots of dinosaurs. And dinosaurs are the coolest things ever. And I never grew out of being six years old because ankylosaurus is still the best. Fight me.

Lauren: It’s meant for fighting.

Russ: It has armor and a club tail. You will lose to this monster turtle. Anyway, I learned when I was a wee, as maybe you did, that brontosaurus never existed. And it was just an offshoot of apatosaurus.

Lauren: I learned that it did and then it didn’t and then maybe it did.

Russ: And I never got the update. And I thought that the revelation that maybe it didn’t exist happen in like the 50s or 60s. It was like 1904. That’s wild to me. And so they’re like, “no brontosaurus was never a thing. They’re all apatosaurus.” And then recently, and this study was like 2015 or thereabouts, where they’re like, “Nah, brontosaurus actually probably was a separate thing.” So I was pleased by that, because I had an apatosaurus toy, I had a brontosaurus toy, and I had a brachiosaurus toy. So I’m pleased that Laurie can regain her place amongst the heavens.

Lauren: Somewhat redeemed like Pluto.

Russ: Somewhat redeemed like Pluto, which is 100% not a planet. I’m sorry to everyone out there.

Lauren: Well, this poem deals also with gender and naming in interesting ways.

Russ: It does indeed. And that was not my intention with this one.

Lauren: But it’s interesting to discuss though.

Russ: I welcome your elaborations.

Lauren: Because its name is Horace and then it has kids. And then he’s like, “Oh, well, clearly this brontosaurus is able to have kids therefore it needs a female name.” But then he keeps using the he/his pronouns.

Russ: And for me, Laurie is not a stereotypically female name.

Lauren: No, I think that was the intention was to switch it to a female name. But it’s not, I think, stereotypically female.

Russ: I do know Lauries who are female, but then I know Lauries who are male, as well. Also, that’s the British word for a dump truck or just a truck.

Lauren: Oh, l-o-r-r-e-y?

Russ: L-o-r-r-y.

Lauren: Okay, I put an E in there. It just… you know, sometimes they like to put Es in things. I don’t know.

Russ: Just like Canada and our Us. Col-u-or.

Lauren: Don’t you get all those extra vowels from the UK?

Russ: Laughs. Yeah, just like the queen. Thank you very much.

Lauren: You got that from the UK.

Russ: Also, I’ve been reading up on the Bloc Québécois party platform and I’m starting to become more French.

Lauren: Oh, yeah? Do you know any French?

Russ: They are aggressively secular and I’m a fan of that. And I know I shouldn’t be, like pinko commie liberal that I am. I should be like “oh no everyone’s rights need to be respected!” And then here’s me. It’s like, unless they’re religious rights, in which case I want to see the last priest strangled with the entrails of the last king. That was also not what I was talking about with “Brontosaurus.”

Lauren: I was trying to wrack my brains for what kings who you could use for entrails.

Russ: Well, I mean, who’s it gonna be? Who’s who’s next in line? It’s gonna be King Charles. Right. Unless he changes his name, which he probably will.

Lauren: Yeah, but there are other kings in existence right now. There’s a king of Thailand

Russ: And other priests, so we have a lot of work to do.

Lauren: Well, good thing that entrails are very long.

Russ: France is like, nope, nope. Nope. Headscarves? Nope, nope, nope. Nope.

Lauren: That I’m not down with: forbidding headscarves.

Russ: Anything that eliminates religion, I am a fan of. And I’m not trying to be like… This isn’t me like putting on my Slipknot t-shirt and let’s be an be an edgelord or anything like that. It’s just… No. I’m a fan of aggressive secularism.

Lauren: All right.

Russ: Laughs. Well, the good the good news is that’s not where I was going.

Lauren: Okay. Okay, so let’s go back.

Russ: Where I was going with this was: possibly non-existent things.And so the brontosaurus may or may not have been a thing. It’s looking like it was; so good for it. I came across this news story, and sent myself an email saying talk about this on Shel. And again, this is Russ showing his true colors as probably a monster and being especially victim blamey. However, this is someone taken in a romance scam, and an NFT scam. And so my sympathy level is less than zero.

Lauren: All right.

Russ: Quoting here, nice article by Pat Foran from CTV, “Ontario man out $106,000 after being blindsided by twist of two scams.” “Sylvester, who did not want to provide his surname, said he is devastated and left completely lost after realizing he had been conned out of his savings”. And here is the sentence… I love news stories that write themselves and requires zero effort, because this new story is encapsulated in one quote from one man. “I just met this girl online, and I started to talk to her, and she said she’s making some money in cryptocurrencies and said I could too.” Oh!

Lauren: How old is this this man?

Russ: This man is the ripe old age to know better. Let me see. I’m scrolling. I’m scrolling.

Lauren: Well, I think there’s a certain age where they’re too old to know better.

Russ: But that’s the thing. When I was wee—maybe your parents told you the same thing.—mine told me not to trust anyone I talked to online.

Lauren: I definitely never got that from my parents. I think I was the one telling them not to trust anyone online.

Russ: Ah, if that’s how you get bilked. “Hello, I’m a stranger that you’ve met on the internet.” How did you make $106,000 in the first place? If you are willing to give away money to an online stranger, and six figures of money? How did you have the wherewithal to put on shoes in the morning to work whatever job you did to get $106,000?

Lauren: That’s true. Was it something that was easy… like money that was easily parted with or was it somehow very convincing?

Russ: “After a week of chatting online, she suggested they invest in crypto currencies together. Silvester started with $500 but later invested 1000s more. In total, he made 22 transactions taking loans from the bank and a line of credit.”

Lauren: So he did not have that money.

Russ: And no point did he ever stop to say, “Am I doing the right thing?”

Lauren: It sounds like it wasn’t all just that he was fooled; it seems that he actually went down the cryptocurrency rabbit hole and got into it, himself.

Russ: If you lose your money in crypto, here’s a nice bridge in Brooklyn I have to sell you.

Lauren: It seems like… Well, I guess my question is: Did he lose all the money to this person who was catfishing him? Or did he lose it all on his own through cryptocurrency because Bitcoin took a dive or something like that?

Russ: No, no, this was to the person. Because she, this romance person, was controlling his investments.

Lauren: I see.

Russ: They they coined a wonderful neologism.

Lauren: They coined a neologism?

Russ: That pun was intended.

Lauren: All right.

Russ: “Now criminals are combining the two types of fraud adding a twist to dating scams that some are calling CryptoRom.” Laughs.

Lauren: Oh…

Russ: No one is calling it that. That doesn’t trip off the tongue, does it?

Lauren: No! CryptoRom? That sounds like some like Y2K detective game or something like that.

Russ: CryptoRom.

Lauren: CryptoRom!

Russ: “Canadians, like Sylvester, lost more than $70 million in 2021 to investment fraud and another $40 million to romance scams.” Oh, here’s another one. “In November, CTV News, Toronto spoke with a woman who lost $80,000 In a crypto scam after connecting with a man on a dating website.”

Lauren: Sings. All the lonely people. Where do they all come from? I don’t know. I just feel like…

Russ: Apparently Ottawa.

Lauren: I mean, I feel bad for people. They’re just very lonely.

Russ: How terrible does it make me where… To me, this isn’t even a criminal offense. You are Barnum and Bailey, at this point. You are just finding suckers and taking them for their money.

Lauren: I mean, the best way to be a con person would be to be a con person in such a way that you left them happy with what they got out of being conned. It may have been all fake, but it was an enjoyable experience.

Russ: What he did was, this Sylvester person, he voluntarily handed over a whole lot of money to someone that he may or may not have thought that he had a romantic chance with. How is that? What’s the difference between that and OnlyFans?

Lauren: You don’t make as much money through OnlyFans.

Russ: Well, if you’re in the top, you know, .01% of creators.

Lauren: OnlyFans seems honorable to me and scamming people out of their money because they think they have a chance doesn’t.

Russ: I think they’re both pretty honorable professions.

Lauren: This is not a lot to do with a brontosaurus, my dear.

Russ: Possibly non existent things. That is to say, if someone offers you a chance at money on the internet, they are not an existent thing.

Lauren: No, that’s true.

Russ: This person is not extant. A brontosaurus has a much greater chance of being real.

Lauren: I would say, even in real life, if someone offers you a chance to make money, it’s usually not real.

Russ: Yeah.

Lauren: Things that seem too good to be true usually are always are.

Russ: Always are. Well, what are you talking about?

Lauren: All righty. “Colors.”

My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green,
But I’m told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it’s silver when it’s wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.

And there’s no accompanying drawing.

Russ: Thank the lord

Lauren: Yeah. Cackles.

Russ: It’s like you dive into your Crayola 106 pack and you take out the one labeled “viscera.” Lauren laughs harder. I have got.. Go ahead.

Lauren: No, you go ahead. I want to hear what you have to say.

Russ: I have stared at this poem 1000 times. There are names of the colors that you are inside.

Lauren: I know; that’s why I’m reading it. I take umbrage with this.

Russ: What colors are you inside? It’s a spectrum and it ranges between light red and dark red and everything inside you is one of those colors.

Lauren: Well, not just that but there are actually colors that are named after internal organs. I believe I have heard people say something is kidney-colored, but for sure liver is considered a color.

Russ: Spleen.

Lauren: Let me read you part of Wuthering Heights. Which, apparently, Shel Silverstein was not required to read in high school. So Wuthering Heights was written in 1847. And I’m gonna read you the first page or a small section of it. And this is the narrator describing the house of Heathcliff. “The floor was of smooth white stone, the chairs high backed primitive structures, painted green, one or two heavy black ones lurking in the shade. In an arch under the dresser, reposed a huge liver colored bitch pointer, surrounded by a swarm of squealing puppies, and other dogs haunted the recesses.”

Russ: That was a missed opportunity call the floor “ovarian white.”

Lauren: Oh, weird. Are ovaries particularly white?

Russ: Well, I know that testicles are. Testicles are pretty white. I have I’ve read the ovaries are as well.

Lauren: So liver color is often used to describe horses or dogs, and it a dark brown or reddish color. According to Wikipedia, they’re not really sure how that got associated with a liver, because, although liver is a little bit brownish, it shouldn’t be dark brown or you might be sick. But the first recorded use of liver as a color name in English was in 1686. So yeah, that name for the color of a liver has been around for a very long time, Mr. Silverstein.

Russ: Shel, we’ve got problems. We need to talk about this.

Lauren: Yeah, Shel, actually. Shel, actually! Liver’s a color.

Russ: Actually. I like the thought experiment that is think of a color that you’ve never seen. Like the pistol shrimp do.

Lauren: That they can see more colors than we can see?

Russ: Yeah, lots more. They have an extra set of cones.

Lauren: I suspect I can see slightly more in the UV spectrum than most people.

Russ: Elaborate.

Lauren: There are some blue and purple colors that glow to me. Particularly in flowers.

Russ: I can confidently say that I do not see these things and I barely see normal human hues.

Lauren: Oh, I didn’t… Are you colorblind?

Russ: Not at all. But if you tell me that that flower is a different color to that flower, I’m like “what’s a flower?”

Lauren: So you have a hard time telling the difference between very similar shades of color.

Russ: See I usually more get into semantics because people are like “That’s lavender and that’s more a porchipum.” And I’m like, “Nah. They’re both purple.”

Lauren: I don’t know that I’m necessarily all that up and knowledgeable on the names of colors, but I’m pretty good at—if you give me a bunch of colors, asking me to sort them, I can usually tell closely related colors apart.

Russ: To any listener, “porchipum” is not a color. Oh, your vena cava is blue, apparently. The pancreas is pinker than other organs. Spleen is more purple. The gallbladder, I always pictured green, but it’s more blue.

Lauren: Hmm, yeah, I always thought it would be kind of a yellowy color but it’s not.

Russ: Now this thread has devolved into people talking about how they have organs that other people don’t. The palmaris longus muscle is pretty cool, because it’s totally useless.

Lauren: Is it something in the forearm?

Russ: It is. That’s the one.

Lauren: Because I know there’s a tendon that some people have and some people don’t. And I think I have one on one arm and I don’t have it on the other.

Russ: To see if you have a palmaris longus, touch your thumb to your pinkie and flex your wrist. If you have one a giant tendon should bulge out like this. Yep, apparently I’ve got one.

Lauren: I think I have one on one side and then don’t have it on the…

Russ: Whoa! I definitely have one on both sides and the one on my rights bigger.

Lauren: Yeah, geez. Jesus. Your sure do, Russ.

Russ: I am full of useless organs. Who wants some?

Lauren: They say that pinkies keep getting shorter and shorter on humans and my pinkies are so short, they’re almost vestigial.

Russ: Laughs. That is a tiny pinkie. Look at…

Lauren: Yeah. Gloves are annoying, because when I put on gloves, the gloves are always like half an inch longer than my pinkie.

Russ: When I’ve also visited the Royal Ontario Museum, I learned that whales, to this day, still have vestigial back feet.

Lauren: Hmm, you know, I think I knew that and forgot.

Russ: They have kind of a pelvis. I’m sure they don’t call it a pelvis, probably some whale name. But coming off of this pelvis are two entirely useless little vestigial bones that once were flippers. They even had them mounted. It’s like, “here’s your whale skeleton. And here’s the tiny two useless things.”

Lauren: Aw.

Russ: God, evolution’s cool.

Lauren: It is cool and it totally left some things behind that are like… You know, do some cleanup, evolution. We don’t need those whale flippers anymore. I’m sure those resources could be put better somewhere else.

Russ: And man, I want to tail. The fact that you took tails from me—that is unnecessary.

Lauren: I don’t know. Do you want to tail? It would just be like this fleshy rope.

Russ: Yes, and think of all the accessories. Think how we could accessorize them.

Lauren: I don’t know. I just keep seeing like this giant back dick.

Russ: A fleshy rope. That is the best description I’ve ever heard and now I extra one.

Lauren: Ugh. You like these two word phrases that I do sometimes.

Russ: It’s always adjective noun. If it’s a two word phrase, it’s an uncommon adjective and an uncommon noun. I love it.

Lauren: No. So on the subject of odd body things, you know how there are dating sims that are like these Japanese games?

Russ: Yes.

Lauren: Though, I’ve never been all that interested in them but there’s one that just recently came out called Sucker for Love.

Russ: Okay.

Lauren: And all of the girls are monsters that have a very great… it’s both very, very cute and sweet but also everything that they say is very grim and threatening. But it’s also very kawaii and i like… It’s both kawaii and kowai.

Russ: The monster girls are experiencing something of a renaissance right now. I’m not entirely sure why. I can probably read about like what started that but… and now, if you know Demon Slayer, you’ve got monster girls are cute again because, you know, Nezuko is a literal monster.

Lauren: These are these girls are cute but they’re also… The game is also very self aware, it looks like. So it’s not just like “Oh, these monsters are cute.” It’s also like, “These monsters are cute, but they’re also like asking us to look at the horror of reality.”

Russ: I like all… I enjoy that. So it’s not just like, “Onii-san, you’re stuck in my webs” kind of a thing.

Lauren: It’s not cute in a kinky way.

Russ: Give us the name of that game one more time.

Lauren: Sucker for Love. You should look it up. Look it up and look at the theme song.

Russ: What is the main character like a lamprey girl or something?

Lauren: I don’t know what that is.

Russ: The things with the sucky mouth.

Lauren: There is one, yeah. There’s one.

Russ: There’s nothing but teeth and horror.

Lauren: I think there’s one there. Yes.

Russ: Because I hear Sucker for Love. And it’s like “oh, this is this is going to be an uncommon monster girl.”

Lauren: There is definitely a Lovecraftian Cthulhu girl.

Russ: Ah okay. Well, on that cavalcade of nightmares, do you have anything uplifting?

Lauren: I think the game looks cute. I think it’s kind of uplifting even if it’s also like, you know, existential horror, too.

Russ: Look into Sucker for Love everybody.

Lauren: And now I’m obligated to play it.

Outro music.