This episode consists solely of outtakes from our first season. Enjoy—and Happy New Year!
CW: Arachnophobia, parental alienation, eating disorder
Episode 45 (Bonus): Shel We Hear Some Outtakes? – Shel We Read a Poem?
British Voice: Shel we read a poem.
Russ: Happy 2022, everyone. Thank you for listening to Shel We Read a Poem and please enjoy this bonus episode of outtakes from our first season.
Russ: Who were you negging?
Lauren: Oh, I was at Thanksgiving and there was this guy I found attractive but he was kind of afraid of spiders which I find silly and so…
Russ: You’ve done that to me.
Russ: That’s funny. Did you chase him with one?
Lauren: No. I didn’t see any spiders to do that with.
Russ: I know that spider wasn’t as big as I remember it being.
Lauren: I didn’t chase you with it! You thought I was. I’m like “I am taking it by you to go to the door.”
Russ: You were chasing me. It was probably the size of my torso.
Lauren: I was putting it out the door!
Russ: I know you were gripping it with one hand, but in my memory, it was this big around. Russ chuckles. It was a huntsman and it had come from Australia—which are harmless spiders, I’m aware…
Lauren: I didn’t know that.
Russ: They can bite but they don’t. It’s like tarantulas: the bigger they are, the less they have to prove. Huntsman apparently are very scary to look at but they’re scared of you. They won’t bite you unless you fuck with them.
Lauren: That’s good to know.
Russ: My soul would jump out the window. If I ever encountered one in real life, I would drop dead on the spot and my soul would be running into the ocean.
Lauren: Laughs. They’re big enough I would probably be a little freaked out.
Russ: What if it touched you? What if it touched you with all eight legs at once? It grabbed your back and… oh my god.
Lauren: What? How? Why?
Russ: With its leaping powers. It would leap.
Lauren: But why?
Russ: Because you were there. Why are people hit by trains? That’s a bad example. Why are people hit by busses? Trains can only go in really one direction.
Lauren: Laughs. And they can’t stop very well.
Russ: They don’t stop very well.
Russ: One of the local rags around here had put out a story where it was like, “What happens to you if you’re naked in your window?”
Lauren: Oh right, right, right, right.
Russ: And then they posted a complete thirst picture along with it.
Lauren: It was very thirsty.
Russ: I was walking along by my window the other day and—as you’ve seen from my apartment, quite a lot of it is window—I saw a guy across the way, naked. I was like, “I think that guy is about to start masturbating.” Just because of his posture and maybe he had a kleenex in one hand or something. I was like, “I think he’s about to start jerking it.” And then, he went to lay down on his bed and the bed was by the window. He’s like, “Surely, I’m concealed from view.” And he was, but his dick wasn’t. Lauren guffaws. You had just this full mast cock being pumped, framed in the window, with no attached body. I was like, “This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.”
Lauren: Oh, I love that. Oh dear.
Russ: It was so wonderful. It’s like, “Oh he’s…. oh! Oh. Oh.”
Lauren: Are most of these lewd visages coming from the same apartment?
Russ: No. This was a different one. This was a completely different apartment that I’ve never seen before. Nice dick, though.
Lauren: Good. Good for him. Russ laughs. I don’t know.
Lauren: See this is another thing that makes me real pissed about your dad. You’re a nice person who is doing ok. Even if you don’t feel like you are doing ok, you are doing ok. And really what more can a parent ask for in their child?
Russ: He wanted a football star.
Lauren: Well, maybe he shouldn’t have had such a skinny kid.
Russ: I think a lot of the disappointment stems from the fact that I’m not a manly man.
Lauren: Those are half his genetics! Did he notice how skinny you are?
Russ: It made him mad. When I was in high school, he would tell me to go weigh myself.
Lauren: Well, that is an easy way to give someone an eating disorder.
Russ: yeah. Anywho. Giggles.
Russ: Good episode.
Lauren: Yeah. It needs some content warnings.
Russ: I’ll put some on there.
Russ: But yeah. How’s things going?
Lauren: Ok. It’s been boring with it raining, you know? Until today I’ve just been like, inside. I don’t love being inside all the time.
Russ: How are the kitties?
Lauren: Miverva‘s a shit as usual. Generally, she’s really good to me. Today, she kept attacking my feet, though, because she wanted to play. Then I got a toy and started playing with her with the toy. She stopped attacking my feet. Then I stopped and she attacked my foot again.
Russ: As they do.
Lauren: How is it up there?
Russ: It’s fine. I went shopping looking around for Christmas things. God, my mom is so old. I can’t remember if I talked about it on this podcast or not, but your parents seem like authority figures until you become an adult and then you’re like, “oh, they’re just people.”
Lauren: How old’s your mom?
Russ: She just now hit 70. When I moved away form Texas, she was irritating but seemed like a sensible person. This last time, she just seemed like a doddering old lady.
Lauren: Your mom is ten years younger than my parents. So my parents have been like that for a while.
Russ: I don’t know how she became rich. It makes no sense to me. Her common sense is gone. I don’t know if that’s just what happens when you get old.
Lauren: I think so.
Russ: She missed her flight and called me to fix it. Lauren laughs. Didn’t you birth me? She would get confused about where to wear her mask. Just weird shit like that.
Lauren: Old people… it’s so scary. They do seem to lose their common sense at some point.
Russ: Ugh. Are we headed there?
Lauren: Unfortunately, yes?
Russ: Maybe I’ll get hit by a bus before that happens.
Lauren: I mean, it’s not that hard to do.
Russ: Laughs. I can make it happen whenever I want.
Lauren: You can.
Russ: There’s so many buses.
Lauren: Yeah. You live in a place with good transportation now.
Russ: And that has train suicides.
Lauren: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Russ: As we learned.
Lauren: You have effective trains and buses. You’re set. Oh. My roommate just got home.
Russ: Well, fates be with you. Good recording. I look forward to it.
Lauren: Alright. Bye.
Russ: Deuces! Have fun.
Russ: But anywho, how are the kittens?
Lauren: Full of giardia. Russ laughs. They’re real stinky so I haven’t been spending a ton of time with them.
Russ: Don’t all kittens get that at some point?
Lauren: Some of them have it. They all have something, either giardia, or coccidia, or some bacterial yuckiness going on.
Russ: Can kittens catch shigella?
Lauren: I don’t know. I haven’t heard of it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
Russ: Shigella happens in people and it makes them shit themselves to death.
Lauren: Kittens shit themselves to death a lot. They’re tiny and they don’t have a whole lot of water in them.
Russ: Tiny and don’t have a lot of water in them.
Lauren: Well, it’s true.
Russ: Nope. Only humans and gorillas. Kittens cannot catch shigella.
Lauren: That’s great. There are plenty of other ways for them to shit themselves to death.
Russ: Oh! The genus is named after the Japanese physician Kiyoshi Shiga. Wow. That’s your legacy.
Lauren: A lot of people their legacy is some kind of disease. I wouldn’t want a disease named after me.
Russ: I would want a disease named after me if it was something funny.
Lauren: Laughs. Harmless but just kind of embarrassing?
Russ: Like foreign accent syndrome. I thought about priapism—like an unending erection—that would be funny but it’s also a medical emergency.
Lauren: We can call it [bleeped] disease if you want.
Russ: Laughs. Going to a Christmas market tomorrow in the rain. That’ll be fun.
Lauren: I thought about going to a little one today and then was like, “Meh. It’s raining.”
Russ: This one is a ticketed event.
Lauren: Oh my.
Russ: It happens down at Canada Place, which is the most unoriginal name for anything ever.
Lauren: And how.
Russ: My favorite place name is Vancouver is Leg in Boot Square.
Lauren: Leg and boot?
Russ: Leg in boot. Leg in Boot Square. So named because back in the colonizer days, they found a leg in a boot.
Lauren: Oh really?! I was figuring it was like some boot store or something like that.
Russ: No. They found a leg that was in a boot. Who’s leg was it? We don’t know.
Lauren: That’s very interesting. That’s way more interesting than I thought it was.
Russ: I don’t think it’s that interesting. It’s a great name but I want a story. The story is: then we found a leg in a boot and that’s the end of the story. Not, and then it happened to belong to this sumo wrestler that traveled from Japan in the ancient times.
Lauren: It probably wouldn’t have been as memorable if they had been able to figure out who it belonged to.
Russ: You know, you’re probably right.
Lauren: Um. Um. Um. I mean. I guess there’s a lot of good movies and video games and movies I’m supposed to watch.
Russ: I love that. “Say one uplifting thing.” And it was like, “Uh… canned food!”
Russ and Lauren both laugh.
Lauren: I do like canned peaches. I don’t know. It’s not like things are terrible. I just… I need to start thinking about these things before we record, because when I get put on the spot I’m just like, “What?”
Russ: It’s like that YouTube channel where a guy runs up to people and yells at them for a dollar name something very simple. But he yells it in such a frightening way that their minds blank. Lauren laughs. “For a dollar name a woman. For a dollar name a woman!” And they’re like …….
Lauren: See the thing that would probably come out of my mouth for that is Margaret Thatcher.
Russ: It kills me every time. And that’s the thing. Some of them are amazing, what comes out. Name a woman! And it’s like, “Condoleezza Rice!” What? She hasn’t been on the news for ten years! What are you talking about? Anywho. I think that was perfect. We’ll fade out on that. “For a dollar name a woman. For a dollar name a woman!”
Lauren: It’s so confusing. Not only is there someone yelling at you, they’re also offering you a dollar, which isn’t very much money. And then they’re asking something that seems like it should be hard but it isn’t and then you just go, “Whoa. I can’t!”
Russ: Watching the mind wipe, it’s amazing. Fucking annihilates me. That’s my favorite kind of prank, just confusing. I saw one video the other day were some people broke into this dude’s house. I say break in, they didn’t kick down the door, they had a key. It was their friend. But they went into his house and they moved everything three inches to the left. That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard of. His couch is just here now. Here’s the coffee mug I had and now it’s way too close to the edge. That’s where you think you’ve gone insane.
Lauren: If you’re like me, you don’t really trust your sense of space anyway. You would just think, “I guess I’m extra tired today.”
Russ: And I do.
Lauren: I thought of an uplifting thing. I’m learning how to use my sewing machine and that’s kinda cool.
Russ: I fucking love sewing machines. What brand?
Lauren: It’s an old ass Singer. It’s a Singer Touch and Sew II.
Russ: The only brand. Ah, Singers.